Oftentimes, you will hear various age groups, not just children and teens but also adults, teasing one another while invoking the phrase that they’re “just messin’ with you” or “don’t be so sensitive” when the target of the joke stops laughing while everyone else continues. This happens in the workplace, at school, and in social settings.
These are the jokes that don’t have the luxury of a laugh track to soften the blow. Sometimes these jokes are ways for us to express emotions like anger, fear, jealousy, or shame, but in a safer way than talking about them openly. These are the jokes that are so clearly manifestations of the uncomfortable truth that we feel obligated to say, “It’s just a joke!”
Flemming (2014) recognizes that there can be friendly and harmless joking between children and adults with no intention to hurt another person. Yet, at the same time, there’s a level of teasing that borders on and often bleeds into a cruel zone of social behavior.
Calling something a joke doesn’t grant it immunity from offense. And it doesn’t mean that the joker doesn’t bear any responsibility for the impact of his words. Words matter and have consequences. It does not matter how light or mild a “joke” seems to the abuser. If the recipient of the joke does not like it or seems uncomfortable with it, it should not be made.
What to do if you are the joke?
Simple statements like,” wow, that’s not cool or “what you said made me very uncomfortable”, can be an effective response to a problematic joke.
If you prefer to take a slightly less direct—or more educational approach—a great alternative to the former statements is to ask the person telling the joke to explain it. “I don’t get it. Please explain the joke.” This tactic may be particularly helpful because it may be perceived as less confrontational but requires the joker to do the work for themselves of unpacking the harmful stereotype or narrative and stating it more explicitly. This isn’t comfortable, but it is a learning experience.
What is you are the one telling the joke?
For kids and adults alike, the “teasing acid test” can help guide you to whether your comments and jokes are appropriate. Also remember to teach your children before they tease someone to ask: "Is it kind?”, “Is it true?”, “Is it necessary?" and “Why are you telling it?”.
According to therapist Dr. Desta, PhD", The five-second rule is that we should only comment on another person's appearance if and only if they can change it in five seconds or less . . . and if you want to comment on something that someone cannot change in five seconds or less, keep the comment to yourself,"
So, if you feel the need to comment on someone's appearance, make sure they can change it in five seconds or less. We're talking a bug in their hair, their fly is down, a poppy seed is stuck in their teeth, or they forgot to remove a price tag from their clothes. And as a reminder, here are things you cannot change in five seconds or less that should not be commented on.
Resources
https://www.popsugar.com/fitness/therapist-5-second-rule-about-commenting-on-appearance-48739875
This post is for informational purposes only. It should not be considered therapy. This blog is only for informational and educational purposes and should not be considered therapy or any form of treatment. We are not able to respond to specific questions or comments about personal situations, appropriate diagnosis or treatment, or otherwise provide any clinical opinions. If you think you need immediate assistance, call your local doctor/psychologist or psychiatrist or the SADAG Mental Health Line on 011 234 4837. If necessary, please phone the Suicide Crisis Line on 0800 567 567 or sms 31393.